This very intelligent sorcerer or wizard (honestly, I don’t know the difference) named Penbrook, helped me write this. If there is any beautiful words or clever wordsmithing it is because of him. I am just spilling words. What do you mean there are lots of typos? Of course, there are typos, haven’t you seen my intelligence score?

To whom it may concern. I heard that this is how you start beautiful documents, or perhaps Dear Sir or Madam, but I am not sure if this is non-binary friendly. Oh no, my will is already going off hails. Okay. I will keep it short.

I was once a hatchling and my tribe decided to make me fat and chubby so the mighty Augaurath, the white dragon that looms over the Spine of the World in the cold northlands, would devour me. The dragon said that I was Not Edible, in a mix of mockery and delight. Disappointed that I was not eaten, I set out to become even fattier and chubbier.

On my eating tour, I met these mighty adventurers trying to find a powerful item, the Wyrm Skull Throne. It belonged to some giant blue dude, Hekaton? Or perhaps it was his daughter Serissa? There was some really big family drama going on. Some missing father kind of thing, line of succession, souls trapped by some devil, and a bunch of wizards who think they are cool because they shave their heads. I don’t understand half of it, but I am soon heading to one of the layers of hell and this WILL discloses what shall be done in case I die.

ME. Put a couple of spells in my body so it can be preserved. Bring my said body to dragon so I can be devoured, in case the dragon is okay with a non-living sacrifice. Can I be a sacrifice if I am delivered dead? Penbrok seemed quite confused when I asked him to put that on my will.

GARFUNKLE. Leave my book of recipes with him. He only cooks sprouts. How can I get fat and delicious by eating vegetables?

TONK. He seems really quiet. Give him some token of appreciation. I don’t know him enough, but I don’t want him to feel excluded.

VOQYS. He cast this spell that made me super fast. zippy zappy. Give him this energy drink [random potion] that I have so he feels stronger.

YVONNE. She likes when I growl. Or I think so. Can a tinkerer make a small ruuuaw box for her? Kinda like one of these that have a ballerina, but it is a kobold growling instead.

WARDWELL. He said that he would take good care of my gold. I don’t see why I shouldn’t trust him, despite everyone else being overly suspicious. Hmmm. Give him a lot of my gold. See Penbrok below.

PENBROK. You helped me write nice will. You get 1000 gold. Wardwell will give you gold. Oh, okay. (this pause in the will is because Penbrok is saying something, I guess). Okay. Penbrok gets gold and gives how much he seems fit to Wardwell. He said he better math.

I will hide this will under beautiful throne. In case something bad happens to me. I am really smart.